Discouragement during Chemo, wanting to die during Chemo, wanting to give up during Chemo

So I finally reached my breaking point this week.  It all came crashing down on me, the heaviness of this cross I am bearing.  I didn’t want to do it anymore.  I was frustrated, sick, felt like I was dying, and just wanted to die.  The feelings were overwhelming.  

Rather than fight the feelings, I just let myself feel the feelings.  Okay, no wonder you want to die and don’t care if you are cured, live 5 years, 5 months or 5 days.  It’s okay.  I felt angry, misunderstood and abandoned by God.   Finally, I gave myself permission to quit fighting, quit listening to all the “stay positive” crap, and let myself crumple under the weight of the Chemotherapy hell.   It was freeing to think that I could quit this if I wanted to do so.  I really didn’t have to listen to my Oncologist or anyone else.  I could quit and it would be up to me.   It gave me control.  I can quit this if I want to.  It’s my body and my life.

I try to be careful who I reveal these kind of feelings to as many people can’t deal with them.  Your loved ones don’t want you to feel that way as they so want you to get better.   Finally, I told my 28 year old niece how I was feeling.    Immediately she didn’t put any guilt on me.  She just said, “Of course you feel that way, it’s okay.   It’s a lie to think you can always be positive and encouraged.   That’s crazy.  It’s okay to feel the way you do.”   

Ahhhh, now that brought life to me.    Someone who loved me just validating my feelings.   It was tremendously liberating.   Where did she get all that wisdom when most other people want to try and talk me out of my feelings?  Immediately, I started to feel better and the old fight started to return.

So if you are going through Chemo or if a loved one is going through Chemo, let them have their feelings.  Don’t try to make them feel anything they aren’t feeling.   Feelings change day to day.  Today I don’t want to give up.  It’s a new day.  But yesterday I did.  And that’s okay.

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