The Joys and Sorrows of Having a Prosthesis after Mastectomy

After I got out of my car and made the walk from the car, through the garage, and up to the door of my house, I looked down and discovered I only had one breast! My large prosthesis which matches my remaining breast was gone!  I had a Mastectomy due to Breast Cancer just over a year ago.  Utter panic set in. What the heck happened to it? I retraced my steps from car to house, and it was nowhere to be found.

Immediately, I began to review my day thus far.   Vividly, I remembered inserting the prosthesis into my bra while getting dressed.  In the late morning I had a medical appointment at my local hospital which was a “strip to the waist and put on this hospital gown” kind of appointment.   Oh no, I then remembered while getting redressed that I just stuck the prosthesis into the bra without slipping it back into the prosthesis pocket.  I did so because I was worried the door of the examining room would be opened at any given moment onto a busy hospital corridor and there I would be, half naked, inserting boob into bra.

While driving home from the hospital, I recalled that I needed an oil change and my tires were low.  Since it is the middle of winter and snowing pretty heavily,  I stopped at one of those pay double but stay-in-your-car oil change places. The attractive young male manager motioned me to drive my car on top of two narrow metal strips so your car hangs over a large pit so the oil change guy can stand underneath and change your oil.  Whew, driving onto those narrow tire strips always makes me a little nervous.   After I accomplished that, I could not find the hood release since I drive a relatively new car, and I don’t pay attention to those kind of things.  I open the car door and am half hanging out of the car reaching down, grasping and grappling any lever that is under the dashboard while trying to find the one that magically opens the hood.  Mr. Hunka Lube Job sees my struggles since I am practically standing on my head and asks if I need help.   He reaches into the dark abyss and PRESTO, the first knob he pulled did the trick with his charming, I should have been a movie star, smile.

Now the panic really begins to mount. OHMYGOSH, my fake boob must have fallen out at the oil change place while I was hanging out and doing acrobatics over the pit! Oh no, horrors, how do I possibly call the place and ask Mr. Hunka Lube Job if a big silicone boob was found in the bottom of the oil change pit? Then all kinds of things start running through my head like the fact that fake boob cost $400.00 and that’s too much money to waste and not call.  And what if they did have it? How do I walk into that place and retrieve my errant boob in front of the all-male employee review? It was all too awful to face. Then I started to laugh thinking of that prospect until tears were streaming down my face.

Just then another light bulb went off in my head. Before I drove into my gargage, I noticed papers were strewn over my yard because of the windstorm the previous day which was also garbage pick-up day.   I had gotten out of the car and chased the flying paper all over the front and back of my house as snowflakes began to fall heavier.

I flew out of the garage and began charging all over the half snow-covered lawn looking for Silicone Boob. I was running like a crazy woman desperate to find my boob before my neighbor, Jerry, came home from work. He would offer to help me find whatever I was looking for because he is a nice guy. I had to hurry, looking down at my watch.

On the second run around my yard, I spotted Silicone Boob out near the mailbox which faces the street.  There it was lying face down in the grass peaking out under the newly-fallen snow. My delight was deep and real. I tenderly picked it up like it was a child who had been lost and now found. I began talking to IT and promised I would never again just shove it in my bra without securing it properly and treating it with the respect it deserves.

How was your morning?         Please click on the picture below for more info on this great pillow / seat belt cover!  Works wonders!

BreastBuddy1

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14 comments

  1. Denise, Hilarious! Sorry, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one this type of thing happens to! Did it hurt your prosthesis? When I got mine, they told me so many “do’s and don’t’s” that it put the fear in me. My insurance will only pay for them every 5 years so I use my cheaper microbead ones the most. Kelly

  2. God bless you Denise. I just had a crazy morning of mishaps on a Monday of all days and sat down to the computer to see if there was anything else I missed besides the 10:30 am doctor’s appointment. I followed your chase hanging on every sentence holding my breath, probably because of my own crazy but nothing serious morning. Thank you! You just stopped me in my tracks, made me laugh and begin again a little more calm with a you will get it all doneattitude. You are the best! Your cancer has cured me for one of unnecessary anxiety disease. I said to myself- put it in prospective girl! Have a great day! Marie

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  3. Hi Denise, Really enjoyed your “Boob” story — you’re going to have to put your name and phone number on it like the kids do with their mittens!� So glad you could get a good laugh out of the scarey scenario.� What a panic!� I think you are the new Erma Brombeck as you are able to help people see the funny side of very frightening experiences. I can connect a little with you as I can visualize you frantically running around your yard as I recall myself running like a loon looking for Ron’s dog that had escaped under my guard.� Seriously not a fun experience – like a heart attack ready to happen

  4. Oh, thank you so much for making me laugh (with you). I could almost “taste” your panic and yes, it would take a very brave woman to phone Mr Hunka Lube…

  5. Denise,
    You are such a hoot! What a perfect story to read on a grey, rainy Saturday morning. I can relate as I left behind my prosthesis at a physical therapy appointment and when I went back to retrieve it, as luck would have it, the person who helped me find it was a handsome young male therapist. We both had a good laugh.My breast cancer experience has made me much less modest than I used to be and much more able to find the humor in everything.
    Thanks for your always spot on musings. Keep us laughing!

    • Hi Nancy, so glad we could share our lost prosthesis experiences!
      We’re going to have to start putting our names and phone numbers on
      them. My dear Aunt Marian suggested doing that, and I think it is
      a great idea! LOL! Denise

  6. Oh My!! I’m getting ready to be fitted for a large prosthesis and believe me….it could happen to me too! Thanks for educating me to ALWAYS use the pocket! Mostly though, thanks for making me LAUGH! I’m only 3 weeks post mastectomy!

    • Oh Kathy, so glad you can laugh 3 weeks post mastectomy! It isn’t as horrible
      as you think before it all starts. I tell people, “you get used to it” and
      amazingly you do! Praying all goes well for you! Thanks for writing! Denise

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