Pity Parties – When to Have Them, How to Stop Them

If you have found yourself having daily Pity Parties, it is time to change it up. If you are in active treatment for cancer, experiencing great loss, or any other devastating blow, Pity Parties are necessary and keep you sane.  But if you have had constant Pity Parties for years, and they are a part of your daily routine, it is time to change it up and do something positive for yourself!

After going through two years of treatment for Stage 3 breast cancer with heart complications and then Lymphedema, I tried to have only occasional Pity Parties.  UNTIL, my 80 year old mom’s diagnosis with Stage 1 breast cancer.  I had to rethink my plan for how often Pity Parties were allowed.  While still rethinking it, my only sibling, my sister, Diann, was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer!  Three family members in three years about did me in, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it!

pity partyI knew that if I didn’t want to turn into a depressed basket case, I would have to give of myself even more, beyond my Blog and http://www.hellocourage.com, my online store for cancer patients.  But I knew I needed it to be easy.  I couldn’t take complicated or be over  committed for my health.

My mom, sister and I have been to the University of Michigan Cancer Center collectively over 200 times.  They saved our lives and we have nothing but glowing things to say about our physicians and caregivers.  It is an honor to be a patient there, and we all chose to go there. However, it is a 120 mile round trip so it’s been like driving from New York City to Los Angeles almost 9 times!  Okay, indulge me for a Small Pity Party.  When I hear someone complaining because they had to wait an hour for their general practitioner on their one and only annual checkup appointment, to be honest, I want to choke them.  Okay, snap out of it, Denise, get back to your story!

I decided that I needed a simple attack.  Since I dreaded spending so much more time at the Cancer Center,  my plan was to engage a cancer patient in conversation every time I had to go to the Cancer Center.   I prayed for guidance so I know which person  I should speak with, and often that guidance is just the pick of the empty chair available and who happens to be sitting next to me.

Here are just a few of my conversations:  Herb, a 50 something guy who was told he had less than 6 months to live with Esophageal Cancer.  He changed hospitals, and now Herb was at the Cancer Center for his bi-annual checkup – HE IS ALIVE 9 YEARS and cancer free!!

Then there was Barbara –  She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer out of the gate with bone metastases.  She was in her  50s at the time.  That was 17 YEARS AGO!!  She has never been without cancer that entire time, but she has had treatment after experimental treatment and was now in her 70s!!

Meet Doug, the 28 year old determined and energetic  newlywed with testicular cancer that was in the adjacent chair while my sister was receiving chemo.  He had only been at a new job for two weeks, when he was diagnosed.  His new boss said, no worries, we will make this work.  That made me cry as I hear from so many people who lose their jobs after being a faithful employee for years because of a cancer diagnosis!

Denise the early 50s extremely inspiring pancreatic cancer patient who was living life to the fullest even though she knew her days were numbered.   Robert, the 85 year old melanoma patient on a trial chemo drug because he had more life to live.

Today, I accompanied my sister to her 25th Radiation (she is getting close to being done – hooray!),  and I noticed a man holding his head and sort of napping in the waiting room.  He looked in pain.  I knew he was the one today!

As we began to converse, Tom told me his story that he was diagnosed with an extremely rare sinus cavity cancer that was inoperable.  He was in a clinical trial so he could help others in the future.  This necessitated him to stay for four months away from home at a facility called the Wilmot House in Ann Arbor for long-term radiation patients.  He was receiving radiation and chemotherapy simultaneously.  While telling me his story, he began to choke up and tears rolled down his face.

It has made such a remarkable difference in my attitude when I have to go to the Cancer Center yet again, as I now think how blessed I am to hear all these amazing peoples’ stories. Hopefully, I can bring them a tad bit of hope just because I am a Cancer Survivor and have been there!!   I carry these precious people in my heart every day, so whenever I start sinking into Pity Party Mode for whatever reason, the thought of them snaps me right out of it!

I challenge you — if you are engaging in ongoing Pity Parties long after your pain, you must change it up or it will consume you forever.  Here are some tips to help you move forward:

  1.  Write down what the chatter in your head is constantly saying.  Sometimes you can overlook it, as playing the negative has become such a habit.  Write as many pages as you need to and look at the reality.
  2. After looking at the cold, hard facts, make a list of 5 things you could do to change your life in a positive way.  For example,  my friend, Linda, took immediate action when her only child went 1,000 miles away to college.  Linda was devastated, but she knew she would sink into a great depression so she began to work full-time with autistic children.  Linda had not worked full-time in over 18 years, but she knew it was time to take action.  Gone are the Pity Parties from Linda’s life as she is so much enjoying her new rewarding and very fulfilling career.  Linda is thrilled her daughter is thriving in college.
  3. Ask for help – if it is all too overwhelming and you have no idea what to do first, seek the immediate help of a licensed counselor, Psychologist or Psychiatrist.  Just relaying your story to someone who understands will help move you forward.

Take action, make that change – you know what it is – just do it!  I guarantee your life will be better because of those changes!

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Check out the cute winter hats at http://www.hellocourage.com on sale now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 comments

  1. Pity parties have been part if my life this last year as I adjust to using a wheelchair… I go ok for a while then fall in a heap.. I feel I have lost my independence and everything is so hard… Maybe it is time for me to go and talk to someone as I do not like the pity party days …

  2. Helen, having to adjust to life in a wheelchair is definitely a HUGE transition. And you wouldn’t be human if you had not engaged in Pity Parties. But perhaps it is time to ask for some help or more support to help you get through such a difficult, challenging, and painful life change. Sending my best to you, Helen! Denise

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